Female Scientists Yet To Explain Boris Johnson’s Popularity

A group of prominent female scientists claimed they had failed to understand the inexplicable popularity of Mayor of London, Boris Johnson.

Despite sustained and continuous study, the group of female scientists had been unsuccessful in their attempts to explain the phenomenon, a spokesperson describing it as “baffling and frustrating, like trying to explain the offside rule”, in a statement yesterday.

The news comes just hours after the part-time Bungle impersonator and Mayor of London attracted criticism for his defence of Professor Tim Hunt, who was in turn heavily censured for comments made about female scientists.

The bebicycled whiff-whaff enthusiast resisted protests that the professor’s statement, claiming women cried more readily in the workplace, were sexist. His assertion that the comments were made during a “light-hearted, off-the-cuff speech” echoed Sir Tim Hunt’s own statement shortly before his resignation from University College London.

The Conservative politician is not shy of controversy, being a Conservative politician, and it has been suggested that he could have breached the Sex Discrimination Act by defending the Professor. Although Johnson would usually look to add the breach of another sex act to his tally, it is thought he would look to avoid contention ahead of a return to frontline politics.

In the face of such overwhelming evidence to the contrary, it remains all the more frustrating to the group of female scientists, as to how Boris Johnson retains his overwhelming popularity.

“We’ve honestly no idea,” the spokesperson continued, “So far, everything seems to point to the kind of resentment levels usually associated with Nick Clegg… but everybody bloody loves the blustering buffoon.”

The spokesperson would not be led on claims that the test results had been contaminated by the scientists’ tears.

Beer And KP's Nuts

My girlfriend, Lucy, has never banned me from drinking beer before midday. It remains a practice which is strictly frowned upon, but not actively opposed. Discouraged, but not prohibited. I only mention this, because I recently found myself “in between jobs”. I joked about sitting around in my dressing gown, drinking special brew and watching Judge Rinder on TV, before Lucy remarked that I was describing a normal Sunday.

I will only remain unemployed for a week or so more, but I have found it difficult to use my time productively. For a while there was the distraction of finding a job. Then the election. There’s always Twitter to occupy me, of course, and it was on Twitter that I found myself reading about a particular incident that put me in mind of the recent bank holiday weekend.

There’s a zoo in Bristol, called Bristol Zoo. It isn’t by any means a large enterprise. There are penguins, and in Lucy’s book, that is enough reason to warrant a visit. The love for an animal, based on its propensity to trip over rocks into small bodies of water, can be deceptively strong. Presumably there’s a link between that and her love for me.

We spent a couple of hours wandering the exhibits, before we made our way to a pub for some lunch. I fancied a pint of lager, and like the human adult I claim to be, I ordered as such.

“Beer?” Lucy exclaimed, with a look of stony reproach. It was well past 2pm, but I knew the rules had been changed. She had the air of a repressed tyrant. For a moment, she was Genghis Khan’t.

“Well, I just fancied a beer with lunch…” I muttered, feeling like a child being unfairly denied chocolate before dinner.

“Oh OK, you can do what you want,” she shrugged, and returned to perusing the menu, despite having already ordered. The passive-aggressive force of the action would have made David Cameron vote Green.

I wasn’t banned from drinking beer with lunch, but to do so was to risk being shot, hanged, or worse: spurned.

And so, when I came to hear of Kevin Pietersen’s recent plight, I could sympathise. Here is a man teased with the prospect of a return to international cricket. A man who had made a career best 355 not out, on the same day he was told he would not figure in England’s “short term” plans. I should add, he has not been explicitly banned from the England squad, but he’s got as much chance of making the England test squad as Ed Balls1.

He seems pretty good at his job. There are plenty of people that aren’t good at their job, remaining in prominent positions. Everyone in the ECB for instance. David “Ham Face” Cameron has retained his appointment as Prime Minister, looking like the cunt that got the cream, despite… well, everything.

I know he did some things that has strained relationships. I changed Lucy’s phone so it referred to her as “Piers Morgan” whenever she asked it a question, but she eventually forgave me. We all do things we regret, or things we should regret, but don’t because having a computer call your girlfriend “Nigel Farage” is never not funny, even if your girlfriend is Nigel Farage.

KP’s nuts, but he’s the best. So have a beer, swallow your pride, and get him back in the England squad.

1Whose chances did, admittedly, increase markedly this week.

BROKEN NEWS: Tory MP admits Committee Candy Crush Campaign

Inexperienced tablet basher and Conservative MP, Nigel Mills, admitted to playing the colourful puzzler, Candy Crush Saga, in a Work and Pensions Committee meeting. The MP confessed to equally pointless time-sink The Sun that he may have played “a game or two” while discussing reforms with pension industry representatives.

However, it was confirmed this morning that the embarrassed politician was attempting to crack level 65, after it was revealed that the PM had set level 120 as the minimum entry requirement for a cabinet position in the coalition government.

“I managed to get through levels 60 to 64 fairly quickly, using my last jazzy and a couple of free switches. But now I’m stuck on 65 with only a coconut wheel booster available and, let’s be honest, nobody understands what those fucking things even do.”

The Prime Minister, and handheld-fiddling procrastination aficionado, David Cameron reaffirmed his stance on his MPs’ inclusion in the Tory party.

“We don’t allow an MP to stand for a parliamentary seat without making it to at least level 50. I mentioned to Nigel Mills that he had been stuck on 52 for months, so I’m encouraged to hear he’s been investing some time in this worthwhile cause.”

He later added: “We know hard-working families want to see that their representatives can navigate their way through Easter Bunny Hills, without wasting tax-payer-funded lollipop hammers.”

It’s thought that Nick Clegg recently passed through Gingerbread Glade, though there were questions over a suspicious expenses claim for “a packet of chewing gum”, that could have been a payment used to bypass the meringue and liquorice shitstorm that is level 125.

The House of Commons authorities have since launched an investigation into whether Nigel Mills has contravened parliamentary guidelines. A spokesperson stated that there was concern Mr Mills has misled the authorities on his progress in Candy Crush Saga.

“We’re investigating whether the MP for Amber Valley has conflated his advance in the Dreamworld and main storylines. Everyone knows that the Dreamworld storyline is bullshit. Odus the Owl is an abomination.”

Members of the public voiced their outrage on social media, citing the controversy as another hit on the integrity of politicians, especially in the wake of the expenses scandal.

“As soon as I heard about it, at work this morning, I immediately spent 2 hours sending Nigel Mills abusive messages on Twitter,” said @ragesack229. “He’s meant to be working and instead he’s wasting his time. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s hypocrisy.”

In other news, George Osborne finally submitted a helpdesk call with IT in a desperate bid to have them restart the economy.

BROKEN NEWS: Clegg Just Wants Someone To Listen

A special cabinet meeting will be called later today to usher through an emergency law. It will ensure security organisations can continue to monitor phone and internet communications, a move that Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg defended by stating to disinterested journalists, “I just want someone to listen to me.”

Nick Clegg: "Is this thing on?"

Source: Wikimedia http://tinyurl.com/ole86nz

David Cameron interrupted a tearful Clegg by saying the Data Retention and Investigation Powers Bill would be used to fight “criminals and terrorism”, adding that it probably would not be used to monitor Clegg in any way.

Rushing through laws is rare, with political analysts supposing that the short time-frame points to government ministers not wanting to have to listen to the Lib Dem leader’s whining on that, or any other issue. It is thought the laws will contain a “sunset clause” so they lapse after the inconspicuous Clegg has left government.

“This is not the prelude to a “Snoopers’ Charter” by the back door.” the Prime Minister said, conceivably meaning the complete opposite.

The bill covers when a call was made and who it was made by and to, unless either protagonist is the current Lib Dem leader.

Clegg said, “I believe that successive governments have neglected civil liberties…” Before the press conference was abruptly terminated, the Prime Minister leaving without acknowledging his deputy.

“I’ll email you all what I was going to say.” Clegg reportedly shouted over the bustle. “Check your spam filters, ok?”

BROKEN NEWS: PM Increasingly Resistant to Antibiotics

Doctors have claimed that Prime Minister David Cameron is increasingly resistant to antibiotics, the drugs usually used to kill bacteria and parasites. Medical experts claimed that an uninhibited David Cameron could see Britain "cast back into the dark ages.”

Probably Infectious: Prime Minister David Cameron

(source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/number10gov/4604300074)

If the medical industry fails to act, by plunging millions of pounds into researching new drugs, “we are looking at an almost unthinkable scenario” which could see Cameron blunder, unhindered into a second term as Prime Minister.

No new classes of antibiotics have been created in more than 25 years, a time period which happens to coincide with the drug-resistant strain of David Cameron’s career in politics.

“David Cameron has been systematically destroying the NHS, in an insidious bid to remove the very institution that is trying to drug him into submission,” Dr Louise Fleming stated. “But, the biggest worry is that other antimicrobial-resistant politicians emerge before new research can bring about effective results.”

Incentives are required to encourage medical firms to invest in costly and long-term research projects. “Doctors will only prescribe these new antibiotics as a last resort, against David Cameron, so the drug companies will need some form of monetary stimulus or the research won’t pay for itself. And that money would have to come from the government.” Dr Fleming concluded.

“Fuck. He really has got us all over a barrel, hasn’t he?”

Critics of the medical industry claimed that more should have been done to combat David Cameron before the resistance to antibiotics was developed, with some claiming that the Prime Minister might not be a bacterial parasite at all.

“Then what is he?” Dr Fleming said. “I’ve heard people call him a lizard. An irredeemable pile of rodent excrement. The human embodiment of Decepticon leader, Megatron. But, I see nothing that persuades me he’s anything more than a particularly virulent pathogen.”

Broken News - Ladies' Day Loss At Aintree

A pall was cast over Ladies’ Day, the Friday of Grand National weekend at Aintree, when a pair of nude heeled pumps were humanely obliterated following a fall. The incident occurred on the terraces as inebriated punters lined up to watch the Doom Bar Sefton Novices' Hurdle at around 4:10pm, won by an Irishman on a horse.

The hapless rider managed to escape the tumble with only minor bruising, but her once mighty steed suffered a broken heel, which despite almost immediate veterinary attention, resulted in merciful destruction.

Witnesses were shocked by the grisly scene, but all praised the swift response from the racecourse and veterinary staff. One particularly repellent observer described her own distress.

“She fell and I was like, I hope she hasn't scuffed those, but when she got back up I could tell her shoe was in pain. You don’t want to see it, but you expect it could happen. They brought round this little curtain so we couldn't see, but we knew what was going on.”

The heels routinely carry up to 1000 times their own weight, and shoe activists claim the suffering caused is undue, unnecessary and all too often ends in their compassionate eradication.

“Too many shoes are put down at racecourses around the world, due to the stresses they are put under by their trainers, especially if they are trainers,” a statement from the Footwear Welfare Association read.

“Of course, we mourn the needless loss of this pair of heels as we do anything with a sole.”

Train To Complain

Ofcom recently censured Channel 4 after a Hollyoaks episode aired, pre-watershed, that depicted a character dying after a fight. The character, Simon Walker, was left reeling by a kick that hit him like a train, before being hit by a train. Despite the intentionally distressing nature of the scene, only one complaint was received, the rest of the show’s audience no doubt struggling to notice the difference between the character before and after his death. I watched 12 minutes of one episode before I realised the TV was turned off. Ofcom have not, as yet, responded to my complaint that the remaining characters remain alive.

Of course, I’m being intentionally flippant. I couldn’t do what the actors of Hollyoaks do; read a Hollyoaks script aloud in front of people.

It’s hard to know when to complain and how to approach making a complaint. I worked as a waiter in a restaurant for a number of years, and I’ve been an avid consumer for as long as I’ve had money (I’m 29 now, so, let’s see… yes, three years...), so I know a thing or two about the giving and receiving of complaints.

And yet I can’t bring myself to actually make one. When my food is delivered to my placemat with all the pomp and ceremony befitting a beef burger with onion ring, bacon, cheese, relish and side of fries thin chips, only for it to be lukewarm; I sigh with the resigned air of a man powerless to stop his blood pressure rising without even taking a bite. I curse inwardly, but outwardly bemoan the burden under which the understaffed kitchen team had slaved in order to produce the meal, however substandard.

I’ve faced the banshee like objections of a woman who thought a sultana in her scone was a stone. I smiled, fawned and apologised. I refunded, distracted and withdrew. It was a slightly crispy sultana, and I acted like President Assad at a UN security council cocktail party. And even though I would likely get the same reaction, were I to complain myself, I still can’t bring myself to do it.

I have no idea what “compensation culture” could be. I’m probably the only person that could legitimately claim back on mis-sold payment protection insurance, but I’ll never know. By contrast, my girlfriend once complained to her energy supplier when she found a spider in the gas meter box, outside her house. They told her to call the RSPCA.

It could be the old-fashioned English reserve that Hugh Grant made so famous in his many films, and when picking up prostitutes, presumably. I have loads of that stereotypical reserve. I have huge reserves of reserve, like Africa, but where the antelope smoke carved wooden pipes with bemonocled cheetahs, and lions sip Earl Grey with zebras.

Perhaps I should practise. If you work in the retail industry in Bristol, beware the extremely pedantic consumer about to cross your path. At the merest sign of a less than

enthusiastic welcome, or service that would be more usually associated with a kebab shop, expect a drama more hard-hitting than a Hollyoaks omnibus.

If so, apologies. You can always complain.