My girlfriend played a cruel and heartless joke on me. A joke that was both humiliating and cunning in equal measure. Without warning, my girlfriend sent me a link to an article in The Sun. How was I to know? It was so innocently presented. A kind of "Oh, take a look at what I found" levity that should never be associated with such a heinous act.
Worse, the article was about me. I am apparently top of a list of blokes to avoid. Me. Lee.
I am "most likely to try it on" on a first date. I shouldn't be too offended really, I don't get through many dates, unless I'm constipated. I'm ahead of Steve, Kevin and Darren. Darren! I can't imagine anyone more likely to stick his tongue down one's throat, without invitation, than Darren. Darren, I ask you. According to a spokesperson for the study, women would “avoid [me] at all costs on nights out”. All these years I’ve been unable to sleep with women I’ve only just met because of my name. Nothing to do with them at all. It’s an anagram of “eel”, which probably has something to do with it. Phallic.
The main crux of the article was really about shoehorning in a picture of an attractive woman - in this case Kelly Brook - as it had simultaneously been discovered that “Kelly” was the name of the most easy girls. You know, like, to have sex with and stuff. Kelly beat off (don’t snigger) competition from Carly and Lisa, the article’s author incredulous that “Essex girl favourites” didn’t even feature on the list. Because women from Essex sleep around. And all have the same names. It’s science. The author didn’t provide a source but I’m sure there’s a study.
But what good is that knowledge to me. Were I to meet a Kelly, with the obvious design of sleeping with her (I am Lee after all), hearing my name would cause instantaneous revulsion. No amount of explaining how our inclinations so perfectly match, statistically, would tempt her to my well-worn mattress.
Of course, I don’t believe that a Kelly, or Tanya, or Michelle would be any more likely to sleep around than anyone else, despite the probable scientific robustness of the poll. I’m not even sure women really avoid me on nights out. I met my girlfriend on a night. And we were both out. And I told her my name, probably even my real one. She demanded I take her on a date to Nandos, so she could eat a whole chicken, but there was no expectation of sex from either party.
So perhaps I shouldn’t worry. In the future the only person I’ll avoid, based solely on his name, would be the author of the article.
