Inexperienced tablet basher and Conservative MP, Nigel Mills, admitted to playing the colourful puzzler, Candy Crush Saga, in a Work and Pensions Committee meeting. The MP confessed to equally pointless time-sink The Sun that he may have played “a game or two” while discussing reforms with pension industry representatives.
However, it was confirmed this morning that the embarrassed politician was attempting to crack level 65, after it was revealed that the PM had set level 120 as the minimum entry requirement for a cabinet position in the coalition government.
“I managed to get through levels 60 to 64 fairly quickly, using my last jazzy and a couple of free switches. But now I’m stuck on 65 with only a coconut wheel booster available and, let’s be honest, nobody understands what those fucking things even do.”
The Prime Minister, and handheld-fiddling procrastination aficionado, David Cameron reaffirmed his stance on his MPs’ inclusion in the Tory party.
“We don’t allow an MP to stand for a parliamentary seat without making it to at least level 50. I mentioned to Nigel Mills that he had been stuck on 52 for months, so I’m encouraged to hear he’s been investing some time in this worthwhile cause.”
He later added: “We know hard-working families want to see that their representatives can navigate their way through Easter Bunny Hills, without wasting tax-payer-funded lollipop hammers.”
It’s thought that Nick Clegg recently passed through Gingerbread Glade, though there were questions over a suspicious expenses claim for “a packet of chewing gum”, that could have been a payment used to bypass the meringue and liquorice shitstorm that is level 125.
The House of Commons authorities have since launched an investigation into whether Nigel Mills has contravened parliamentary guidelines. A spokesperson stated that there was concern Mr Mills has misled the authorities on his progress in Candy Crush Saga.
“We’re investigating whether the MP for Amber Valley has conflated his advance in the Dreamworld and main storylines. Everyone knows that the Dreamworld storyline is bullshit. Odus the Owl is an abomination.”
Members of the public voiced their outrage on social media, citing the controversy as another hit on the integrity of politicians, especially in the wake of the expenses scandal.
“As soon as I heard about it, at work this morning, I immediately spent 2 hours sending Nigel Mills abusive messages on Twitter,” said @ragesack229. “He’s meant to be working and instead he’s wasting his time. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s hypocrisy.”
In other news, George Osborne finally submitted a helpdesk call with IT in a desperate bid to have them restart the economy.
