BROKEN NEWS: Clegg Just Wants Someone To Listen

A special cabinet meeting will be called later today to usher through an emergency law. It will ensure security organisations can continue to monitor phone and internet communications, a move that Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg defended by stating to disinterested journalists, “I just want someone to listen to me.”

Nick Clegg: "Is this thing on?"

Source: Wikimedia http://tinyurl.com/ole86nz

David Cameron interrupted a tearful Clegg by saying the Data Retention and Investigation Powers Bill would be used to fight “criminals and terrorism”, adding that it probably would not be used to monitor Clegg in any way.

Rushing through laws is rare, with political analysts supposing that the short time-frame points to government ministers not wanting to have to listen to the Lib Dem leader’s whining on that, or any other issue. It is thought the laws will contain a “sunset clause” so they lapse after the inconspicuous Clegg has left government.

“This is not the prelude to a “Snoopers’ Charter” by the back door.” the Prime Minister said, conceivably meaning the complete opposite.

The bill covers when a call was made and who it was made by and to, unless either protagonist is the current Lib Dem leader.

Clegg said, “I believe that successive governments have neglected civil liberties…” Before the press conference was abruptly terminated, the Prime Minister leaving without acknowledging his deputy.

“I’ll email you all what I was going to say.” Clegg reportedly shouted over the bustle. “Check your spam filters, ok?”

BROKEN NEWS: PM Increasingly Resistant to Antibiotics

Doctors have claimed that Prime Minister David Cameron is increasingly resistant to antibiotics, the drugs usually used to kill bacteria and parasites. Medical experts claimed that an uninhibited David Cameron could see Britain "cast back into the dark ages.”

Probably Infectious: Prime Minister David Cameron

(source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/number10gov/4604300074)

If the medical industry fails to act, by plunging millions of pounds into researching new drugs, “we are looking at an almost unthinkable scenario” which could see Cameron blunder, unhindered into a second term as Prime Minister.

No new classes of antibiotics have been created in more than 25 years, a time period which happens to coincide with the drug-resistant strain of David Cameron’s career in politics.

“David Cameron has been systematically destroying the NHS, in an insidious bid to remove the very institution that is trying to drug him into submission,” Dr Louise Fleming stated. “But, the biggest worry is that other antimicrobial-resistant politicians emerge before new research can bring about effective results.”

Incentives are required to encourage medical firms to invest in costly and long-term research projects. “Doctors will only prescribe these new antibiotics as a last resort, against David Cameron, so the drug companies will need some form of monetary stimulus or the research won’t pay for itself. And that money would have to come from the government.” Dr Fleming concluded.

“Fuck. He really has got us all over a barrel, hasn’t he?”

Critics of the medical industry claimed that more should have been done to combat David Cameron before the resistance to antibiotics was developed, with some claiming that the Prime Minister might not be a bacterial parasite at all.

“Then what is he?” Dr Fleming said. “I’ve heard people call him a lizard. An irredeemable pile of rodent excrement. The human embodiment of Decepticon leader, Megatron. But, I see nothing that persuades me he’s anything more than a particularly virulent pathogen.”