BROKEN NEWS: Tory MP admits Committee Candy Crush Campaign

Inexperienced tablet basher and Conservative MP, Nigel Mills, admitted to playing the colourful puzzler, Candy Crush Saga, in a Work and Pensions Committee meeting. The MP confessed to equally pointless time-sink The Sun that he may have played “a game or two” while discussing reforms with pension industry representatives.

However, it was confirmed this morning that the embarrassed politician was attempting to crack level 65, after it was revealed that the PM had set level 120 as the minimum entry requirement for a cabinet position in the coalition government.

“I managed to get through levels 60 to 64 fairly quickly, using my last jazzy and a couple of free switches. But now I’m stuck on 65 with only a coconut wheel booster available and, let’s be honest, nobody understands what those fucking things even do.”

The Prime Minister, and handheld-fiddling procrastination aficionado, David Cameron reaffirmed his stance on his MPs’ inclusion in the Tory party.

“We don’t allow an MP to stand for a parliamentary seat without making it to at least level 50. I mentioned to Nigel Mills that he had been stuck on 52 for months, so I’m encouraged to hear he’s been investing some time in this worthwhile cause.”

He later added: “We know hard-working families want to see that their representatives can navigate their way through Easter Bunny Hills, without wasting tax-payer-funded lollipop hammers.”

It’s thought that Nick Clegg recently passed through Gingerbread Glade, though there were questions over a suspicious expenses claim for “a packet of chewing gum”, that could have been a payment used to bypass the meringue and liquorice shitstorm that is level 125.

The House of Commons authorities have since launched an investigation into whether Nigel Mills has contravened parliamentary guidelines. A spokesperson stated that there was concern Mr Mills has misled the authorities on his progress in Candy Crush Saga.

“We’re investigating whether the MP for Amber Valley has conflated his advance in the Dreamworld and main storylines. Everyone knows that the Dreamworld storyline is bullshit. Odus the Owl is an abomination.”

Members of the public voiced their outrage on social media, citing the controversy as another hit on the integrity of politicians, especially in the wake of the expenses scandal.

“As soon as I heard about it, at work this morning, I immediately spent 2 hours sending Nigel Mills abusive messages on Twitter,” said @ragesack229. “He’s meant to be working and instead he’s wasting his time. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s hypocrisy.”

In other news, George Osborne finally submitted a helpdesk call with IT in a desperate bid to have them restart the economy.

BROKEN NEWS: Clegg Just Wants Someone To Listen

A special cabinet meeting will be called later today to usher through an emergency law. It will ensure security organisations can continue to monitor phone and internet communications, a move that Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg defended by stating to disinterested journalists, “I just want someone to listen to me.”

Nick Clegg: "Is this thing on?"

Source: Wikimedia http://tinyurl.com/ole86nz

David Cameron interrupted a tearful Clegg by saying the Data Retention and Investigation Powers Bill would be used to fight “criminals and terrorism”, adding that it probably would not be used to monitor Clegg in any way.

Rushing through laws is rare, with political analysts supposing that the short time-frame points to government ministers not wanting to have to listen to the Lib Dem leader’s whining on that, or any other issue. It is thought the laws will contain a “sunset clause” so they lapse after the inconspicuous Clegg has left government.

“This is not the prelude to a “Snoopers’ Charter” by the back door.” the Prime Minister said, conceivably meaning the complete opposite.

The bill covers when a call was made and who it was made by and to, unless either protagonist is the current Lib Dem leader.

Clegg said, “I believe that successive governments have neglected civil liberties…” Before the press conference was abruptly terminated, the Prime Minister leaving without acknowledging his deputy.

“I’ll email you all what I was going to say.” Clegg reportedly shouted over the bustle. “Check your spam filters, ok?”

BROKEN NEWS: PM Increasingly Resistant to Antibiotics

Doctors have claimed that Prime Minister David Cameron is increasingly resistant to antibiotics, the drugs usually used to kill bacteria and parasites. Medical experts claimed that an uninhibited David Cameron could see Britain "cast back into the dark ages.”

Probably Infectious: Prime Minister David Cameron

(source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/number10gov/4604300074)

If the medical industry fails to act, by plunging millions of pounds into researching new drugs, “we are looking at an almost unthinkable scenario” which could see Cameron blunder, unhindered into a second term as Prime Minister.

No new classes of antibiotics have been created in more than 25 years, a time period which happens to coincide with the drug-resistant strain of David Cameron’s career in politics.

“David Cameron has been systematically destroying the NHS, in an insidious bid to remove the very institution that is trying to drug him into submission,” Dr Louise Fleming stated. “But, the biggest worry is that other antimicrobial-resistant politicians emerge before new research can bring about effective results.”

Incentives are required to encourage medical firms to invest in costly and long-term research projects. “Doctors will only prescribe these new antibiotics as a last resort, against David Cameron, so the drug companies will need some form of monetary stimulus or the research won’t pay for itself. And that money would have to come from the government.” Dr Fleming concluded.

“Fuck. He really has got us all over a barrel, hasn’t he?”

Critics of the medical industry claimed that more should have been done to combat David Cameron before the resistance to antibiotics was developed, with some claiming that the Prime Minister might not be a bacterial parasite at all.

“Then what is he?” Dr Fleming said. “I’ve heard people call him a lizard. An irredeemable pile of rodent excrement. The human embodiment of Decepticon leader, Megatron. But, I see nothing that persuades me he’s anything more than a particularly virulent pathogen.”

Broken News - Ladies' Day Loss At Aintree

A pall was cast over Ladies’ Day, the Friday of Grand National weekend at Aintree, when a pair of nude heeled pumps were humanely obliterated following a fall. The incident occurred on the terraces as inebriated punters lined up to watch the Doom Bar Sefton Novices' Hurdle at around 4:10pm, won by an Irishman on a horse.

The hapless rider managed to escape the tumble with only minor bruising, but her once mighty steed suffered a broken heel, which despite almost immediate veterinary attention, resulted in merciful destruction.

Witnesses were shocked by the grisly scene, but all praised the swift response from the racecourse and veterinary staff. One particularly repellent observer described her own distress.

“She fell and I was like, I hope she hasn't scuffed those, but when she got back up I could tell her shoe was in pain. You don’t want to see it, but you expect it could happen. They brought round this little curtain so we couldn't see, but we knew what was going on.”

The heels routinely carry up to 1000 times their own weight, and shoe activists claim the suffering caused is undue, unnecessary and all too often ends in their compassionate eradication.

“Too many shoes are put down at racecourses around the world, due to the stresses they are put under by their trainers, especially if they are trainers,” a statement from the Footwear Welfare Association read.

“Of course, we mourn the needless loss of this pair of heels as we do anything with a sole.”